#11: reflecting on the last quarter of the year
"Q4," if you will.
I’ve always considered the last quarter of the year to be my favorite, for a few reasons. First, I live in Florida, and it’s the only time of the year where we have the slightest chance of getting cold weather. Cold temps tend to bring me back to life, liven up my senses. I joke that my mental health is clearer than ever, my will to live refueled and recharged, when the weather is chilly outside. This helps when daylight savings time hits and the sun starts setting at 5:30 PM. I may be closer to depressed than ever, but at least it’s 50°F outside and we have pretty light displays for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s celebrations.
Second, it’s the time of year where I feel most like a kid again. Between the light displays, being together with my family, and listening to seasonal music, this time of year gives me permission more than any other season to tap into my “inner child.” I’m nostalgic at heart, so I find myself reflecting on life during this time the most. I think about the photo prints I have from my childhood, visiting Disney with family members in town from Puerto Rico, going to Christmas light displays put on by the community, and participating in holiday shows organized by my school’s choir.
Third, it’s the quarter of the year my birthday falls under. December 30th, a date I haven’t always loved having for a birthday but have made peace with over time. Taking place only five days after Christmas and one day before New Year’s Eve, having a birthday that falls during this time of year is usually not celebrated as grandly as it would during the spring or summer months. That’s not to say I haven’t felt loved and celebrated on my birthdays, but it does tend to be a particularly challenging time to plan celebrations, with holiday trips already coordinated and gift budgets already allocated for any recreational spending. I cared about this more as a kid than I do now, though, and I like to think it’s helped keep my ego in check.
Wherever you are and whatever you believe in, it’s safe to say that the end of the year tends to be a prime time for reflection. With my birthday falling squarely 25 hours before the start of the new year, it brings another a layer of importance in terms of reflection/contemplation/etc. I go into both my birthday and the new year with a determination to absorb all of the lessons I’ve learned from the previous year, committed to applying them all to the next.
I think back to my 26th year of being alive as one that has felt the most “adult” than any of the previous ones. I had to adjust my lifestyle to account for changes in my health. My boyfriend and I moved in together and we’ve adopted many “adult” changes — going to bed relatively early and not “partying” as much as we may have in our early twenties. We’ve made sacrifices for our jobs, opting for opposite schedules and weekends temporarily for the sake of career advancement, and coordinate our budgets.
I make more mental notes to visit my parents, or at the very least call and check in. I miss my brother more often than not, remembering how precious it was to live in the same town, missing the convenience of being able to meet up for lunch or go watch a movie together. At work, I’m no longer the youngest employee in the office. I’m less than TWO YEARS away from having a 10-year high school reunion, a fact that makes me feel old and out-of-touch. Unrelenting lower back pain is another friendly reminder that I’m no longer young as I once was.
More than anything else, this time of year, and during this year in particular, has me thinking about how much my expectations of who I’d be in my late twenties are completely different from who I ended up becoming. As a kid, even up until college, I always thought that I’d be destined for “greatness,” that I’d accomplish something no one has ever done before (or at least, something no one in my hometown has ever done before). I didn’t grow up a “gifted” kid in school (I took the test in 3rd grade and didn’t make it, lol — another good ego-check) but I excelled in my studies for most of my education and was proud of it. As the eldest child, and the first to go to college in my family, I felt that all of my success had to amount for something. I’d go to college, get my degree, and go on to have an incredible career in something, anything.
The reality is that, as a senior in high school, I didn’t know what the hell I wanted to do or study after I graduated. I’d made my decision for college within weeks of the fall semester starting, deciding to attend a college in my hometown to the advice of my parents. I got a degree in Advertising and Public Relations because “I’m good with people,” haha. And that was that.
In college, I figured I’d work for an advertising agency in a big city somewhere. Instead, I accepted a job offer in my hometown working as a marketing coordinator in the engineering industry. I moved back in with my parents for some time before moving into an apartment with a roommate, a close friend. Eventually, after a few years, I lived on my own. I learned more about myself and what I wanted from my life. Looking back on it now, I don’t regret any of the decisions I’ve made. But it is funny to think about what I thought I wanted, what I did to get whatever it was I thought I wanted, and what actually came to be. It may not have been the path I imagined for myself, but it ended up being the path I needed to take.
As 2024 approaches, I hold on to what I’ve learned dearly: my path is different from everyone else’s. There really is no “blueprint,” as much as I thought there was in my youth. I’m allowed to make mistakes. It’s okay if I don’t know what I want to do, who I want to be. I’m allowed to figure it out as I go. I’m allowed to change my mind. I’m blessed to have parents, siblings, friends, and a partner that support my decisions, who have celebrated my wins and sat with me in my losses. I’m fortunate to have room to grow, to be myself loudly and proudly.
I hope you have a chance to sit with yourself this season and think about the growth I’m sure you’ve experienced this year. Think about the people who have uplifted you, the opportunities you’ve taken that have proved to be fruitful (and even those you didn’t take on that ended up being for the best). Set intentions or resolutions for the New Year if want to, or don’t. Whatever you do, I hope you go into 2024 with gratitude, peace, and excitement for what’s to come.
The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes was fantastic, although I always prefer the book > movie. Here’s my Letterboxd review (I don’t spend a lot of time on it, but add me if you’re there!).
All of the memes on TikTok about The Hunger Games TBOSAS^. This is a recent fave:
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This counts more as a listen (audiobook!) but I recently listened to/read Michelle Zauner’s Crying in H Mart and I cannot recommend it enough.
- ’s post:
- by , which is described as “A critical space of political analysis, emancipated from post-colonialism and hegemony. From Puerto Rico, with an eye toward the international, by historian Israel Melendez Ayala.” It’s been a fantastic resource for me personally because the publication is written in both English and Spanish, and it gives me the opportunity to better understand the corruption that has taken/is currently taking place in Puerto Rico.
I’ve been loving Wild Nothings most recent album, Hold. That opening track with Hatchie, “Headlights On” is a dream. Other favorites include “Basement El Dorado,” “Suburban Solutions,” and “Dial Tone.”
Thanks for being here. I’ll see you tomorrow for the new Monday Mixtape!
-Pam