#12: 27 things I've learned in 27 years of life
december capricorns rise up!!
I love a good period of reflection. And, unfortunately for me, I can be prone to a little bit of existentialism from time to time. Lately I’ve been in a strange headspace when it comes to aging — I’m closer to 30 now than I am 20. I read somewhere that Capricorns have a weird relationship with time — they’re always trying to beat the clock, make sure they’re accomplishing everything they want to before it’s too late. While I don’t think that’s solely a “Capricorn” trait, I do admit it’s something I worry about often. Will I have enough time with the people I love? Will I ever feel like I actually know what I’m doing, like I know what I want from life?
I celebrated my birthday yesterday, December 30th. 27 years! Not necessarily a milestone birthday, but a birthday nonetheless. I said this in my last post, too: The past few years have felt like the most “adult” years in my life so far. I feel capable, self-sufficient, and safe. I recognize it’s a blessing and a privilege to feel this way. My relationships have changed so much in my twenties. I’ve learned to let go of many dreams, hopes, and wishes, and embrace new ones I never thought I’d want. My ideas of love, what it means to be in love and what it means to love well, has change drastically as well. My career goals and ambitions are different from what I wanted as a college grad, and my definition of what success is has morphed, too.
I recently finished listening to the audiobook version of Dolly Alderton’s Everything I Know About Love. In it, Dolly explores the nuances of growing up, friendships, love, and personal development, with her twenties at the center of it all. Dolly includes a few lists that highlight a number of lessons she’d learned during different years of her life — 21, 28, 30. You get the gist.
Below is my take — 27 things I’ve learned in 27 years of life:
No one has any idea what they’re doing, at any stage of their life. They make seem like they do, but they’re really just figuring it out as they go, just like you. Let this relieve some of the pressure you feel to have it “all figured out.”
You are not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and not everyone will be yours. This doesn’t mean you get the go-ahead to be mean or rude or unfriendly to people you don’t like, but it does give you permission to stop trying so hard to make everyone like you. It just won’t happen for some people, and that’s ok!
You will never regret showing up for someone in their time of need, or providing acts of service for a friend, family member, or stranger, if you can give without the expectation of receiving something in return. I’m looking at you, type twos!
When your self-esteem is low, random acts of kindness/service can be a really great way to boost it. If you’re like me and want to offer kindness but “don’t want to intrude” or “be a bother,” first — you’re not — and second, if you don’t believe it then just drop off a little something in a friend’s mailbox or on their porch. It’ll still be appreciated.
If you’re feeling anxious, try the following:
Taking a shower
Going on a long walk
Listening to music you love (I recommend something upbeat or even angry if you’re into that!) and dancing in your bedroom
Going to the gym
Going to a yoga class — I especially love restorative/yin classes on emotional days
Talking to a friend who listens well
Writing out your anxieties in a journal
Holding an ice cube in your hands or in your mouth (but don’t chew it!)
Putting your face in a bowl of ice water
Going to therapy can change your life. It’s a blessing and a privilege, but if you have the resources to do it, it can be an incredibly rewarding experience. It will not be easy. But it’ll be worth it.
Learning how to apologize and mean it will dramatically change your relationships for the better. Let go of your ego. Apologize as soon as you learn you’ve fucked up when you have the chance.
A lot of the people in your life will start having big life milestones take place at once (engagements, marriage, babies, home buying, second babies, etc.). This will likely happen in waves, and you will probably feel really left out, especially if you’re young and single. It’s okay. You’re not behind and you’re not lacking. Everyone lives life at their own pace — there is no blueprint!!
It’s okay to not finish a book you’re not enjoying. Put it down and start a new one. The world won’t end. The same applies to movies and other media.
Cringe is inevitable. You will look back on past decisions and feel a wave of embarrassment roll over you time and time and time again. This exists to help you *not* do that same thing again.
Everyone is living a life as beautiful, messy, and complicated as you are.
Practicing gratitude everyday can drastically change the way you look at your current circumstances. Something as simple as acknowledging that you’ve woken up to a new day, with clean air in your lungs, access to water, and a roof over your head can help you see the beauty and privilege in your life everyday.
Let people celebrate you. It may feel awkward or uncomfortable to be the center of attention, but let the people who love you do exactly that!
You don’t have to have the newest, shiniest thing. Technology, clothing, home décor, etc. The novelty will wear off soon, ESPECIALLY if it's a trendy item.
Patience is a real virtue. Coming from someone who still struggles with patience…it’s something I’m going to have to continue to work on this year.
If you don’t like your primary care physician, FIND A NEW ONE. You can choose to not go to someone you feel doesn’t listen to your problems or take your concerns seriously. You can “shop” for doctors the same way you shop for goods and services (just don’t make a habit of it!). I finally left my PCP for a new one this year and the relationship I have with my new PCP makes me want to cry. They’re wonderful. This applies to most things — if you’re not getting high quality [whatever you’re paying for], then don’t put off finding a new one.
Learn how to do things on your own. And don’t just do it for Instagram or TikTok (ehem..). Go on a drive, take yourself on a date to a coffee shop or a bar or a restaurant. Explore somewhere new.
To add to that one ^, I promise you no one is paying attention to you when you go and do things own your own. That should be FREEING. I hope it is.
You’re overthinking it.
Clean your water bottle every day. AT LEAST every other day. And that includes taking the silicone pieces apart, too.
The mute feature on social media is a very nice feature. So is just deleting your apps from your phone whenever you need a break. You should do that more often.
Take your PTO more often.
Open a high-yield savings account.
Show up even if you don’t want to. The exception to this is if you’re legitimately sick or have some kind of serious extenuating circumstances. This applies to parties or social gatherings, and it applies to showing up for your friends/family.
You can find love on a dating app. It just might take some time (and adjusting of your distance/location settings!).
Drink because you want to, not because you feel like you have to. You can still have fun while sober, or say no to a second drink. Buy a soda or a non-alcoholic beer if you’d like to have something to sip on, but don’t feel pressured to drink just because the setting encourages it.
Your friends and family care about you more than you think. I went through a rough self-esteem patch a few years ago and had a lot of friendship anxiety. I started this thing where anytime a friend went out of their way to send me an encouraging text, called me just to say hi, or hung out with me, I would make a note in my notes app documenting it. The notes added up quickly, and it was a sweet and reassuring reminder for the times where my brain said I wasn’t loved.
Thanks for reading Not Just Me this year. I hope you have a safe, happy, and fun start to the new year. I’ll see you in 2024 for the first Monday Mixtape of the year!
-Pam
needed to hear all this advice now more than ever I think.... I will be washing my water bottle ASAP. happy birthday & happy new year!!