#13: finding deeper wells

on moving on and feeling content

It’s March 2024 and I keep coming back to the thought: How did time pass so quickly? How is it 2024 already? How am I nine years removed from high school, and six years removed from college? 

It’s Sunday and I’m waking up next to my favorite person. We take our time waking up and getting the day started. I make a Chemex in the kitchen while he makes the bed, and we talk about what “our ideal day looks like.” We settle on a mix of productive and restorative — we’ll start the morning slow and do our favorite things (write, read, play a new video game, listen to our podcasts or sift through our vinyl collection for the right vibe, maybe go on walk) and then we’ll run errands — shopping for toiletries, groceries, and whatever else we need to prepare for the week ahead. We’ll convince ourselves to use the groceries we bought for dinner rather than get take out.

I find myself counting my blessings more. Life is peaceful and I feel content despite knowing the many things I would change in a snap if I could. I feel happy with who I am, though there is plenty that I identify as traits or habits I’d like to improve. And yet, in the midst of feeling gratified in the present, I’ve spent a lot of time recently thinking about the past. Specifically, moments that have taken place that now have me thinking to myself “Yeah…that actually did hurt me” or “Ok…I could’ve handled that better.” I suppose that’s the way life goes, piecing together what you should’ve done or who you should’ve gone to or why things happened the way they did, only after they’ve happened.

I’ve felt a range of emotions working my way through those moments. Surprisingly, anger has made itself comfortable in the living room of my brain, reminding me it’s still there every few hours. It reminds me of moments when I let people treat me poorly, leading me to wonder why I let them treat me that way…wondering why I lacked so much self-respect, lacked the ability to stand up for myself and say “I deserve more than this.” I think often of what I would’ve said now, if I had the chance to go back. Rehearsing the exact way I would go about it — straightforward, no tears, no hesitation. 

Sadness has shown up over the way things have changed, too. Over time, you realize things tend to be better this way, that people you’ve met and things that have happened since may not have come to be if that one moment in the past didn’t sour. Everything happens for a reason…

There are three songs in my rotation right now that I can’t stop listening to: “Halo” and “Open My Door” by Alice Phoebe Lou and “Deeper Well” by Kacey Musgraves. Alice Phoebe Lou’s music entered my life sometime around 2019-2020, and in my head I think of it fondly as the kind of music an anxious and self-conscious 20-something year old like me needed at a pivotal point of her development. Alice’s music seems to come from a tender and incredibly self-aware part of herself, and in a way listening to her music has made me more confident in myself and the ability I possess to choose what I want to keep and let go of in my life. Her albums Glow (2021) and Shelter (2023) illustrate this the best, imo.

I was 21 when Kacey released her album Golden Hour (2018)  and, looking back, I think it was the perfect album for me at the time. It held me when things changed quickly, and some with almost no warning – transitions of life that were natural (breaking up with my then boyfriend, graduating college, expanding my group of friends) but difficult to navigate as someone who was entering a new stage of adulthood. “Deeper Well” provides a similar, nurturing feeling.¹

Because I am who I am (a person who loves lyrics) I want to share a few verses from these songs that have really struck a chord with me. 

In the first verse and chorus of “Deeper Well,” Kacey sings:

“My Saturn has returned
When I turned 27
Everything started to change

Took a long time, but I learned
There's two kinds of people
One is a giver, and one's always trying to take
All they can take

So, I'm saying goodbye
To the people that I feel are real good at wasting my time
No regrets, baby
I just think that maybe
You go your way and I'll go mine
It's been a real good time

But you've got dark energy
Something I can't unsee
And I've got to take care of myself
I've found a deeper well”

In Alice Phoebe Lou’s song, “Halo,” she sings:

“The summer's finally here and orange trees are smiling
I've got my eyes to the sky, the day is calling
Couldn't wipe the grin off of my face if I tried….

…..I'll go out walking, clear my head
Haven't done much talking since I landed in this funny heaven
It's a little lonely but I don't mind

It's quite a contrast, I'm not used to this life
I'm always caring for everybody else
But if I put that care in me
How easy it could be

I thought that I was escaping my reality
But I took it along with me.”

I have a love-hate relationship with walks (I recognize their benefits and how great they feel when I’m actively doing it, but it’s a struggle for me to get out of the door because “walks can be so boring…” lol) but reading the lines “I've got my eyes to the sky…couldn’t wipe the grin off of my face if I tried” is an experience I connected with immediately. You know those walks — the kind where you marvel at the world, the sun and breeze on your skin, dogs running in fields, babies in strollers, their humans figuring out life, too. Everything feels new and shiny and positive.

And in her song, “Open My Door,” Alice sings:

“I'm taking back all the pieces of me
That were taken unwillingly
I'm offering myself up to the heavens
I'm ready to love what I've been given
I'm getting back to my own rhythm
It's such a new kind of living

I'm picking myself up off the carpet
I'm running my hands over my body
I'm back on land, welcome to your life, Alice

I used to open my door
To pretty much anyone who was tryna look for
A place to feel safe
But I made my whole world safer for everyone but me”

I guess what I’m saying is that, at some point, I woke up and decided to stop giving what I had away to others who took advantage of it, to be more protective of myself without guarding myself entirely, and to find gratitude for my life and the people in it.

It feels good to be on the other side of that. I’m 27, and I wonder about the world and my place in it now more than ever.

• I’ve been watching the new season of Abbott Elementary (love) on Hulu, the new Percy Jackson and The Olympians TV series on Disney+ (could honestly talk your ear off on how incredible of a book to show adaptation it is and how much I’ve adored it but I’ll refrain), The Office on Peacock and Harry Potter series on Max (Joel and I are watching both franchises, again, for the 2nd time ever and it’s been a lot of fun). Oh! We’ve been watching this season of The Bachelor, too (love Joey, love Maria, and yes the ending has been spoiled for me. Whatever. 🙄).

• Max Porter’s piece “Wild West,” performed at the Palestine Festival of Literature last December, recommended by

  Christian Näthler
  (see “To Read” section). In it, Porter describes his disillusionment with the state of the world and the weapons industry around the world. Had me hooked the entire time.

• Haley Nahman
  and
  Maybe Baby
  are back from maternity leave today and I did, in fact, cry reading this. Welcome back, Haley!!

#170: Like a mother

• Christian Näthler
  ’s recent post on
  lol/sos
  , a brilliant and poignant post about what artists can do in the hour of genocide.

  I am a cell in a huge living organism

• eliza mclamb
  ’s piece on
  words from eliza
  , “It’s Never Over",” which quite literally felt like she’d taken my thoughts surrounding thinness and body dysmorphia right from my journal.

  It's Never Over

• Obvi, “Halo” and “Open My Door” by Alice Phoebe Lou, and “Deeper Well” by Kacey Musgraves.

• A good amount of Toby Keith. I was sad to hear about his passing, and on the day I found out I spent that morning at work listening to his music. I was honestly surprised by how much of his music I knew.

• Something Was Wrong by Wondery on Spotify. Specifically, this wild season: When Sara got engaged she thought she was marrying the Christian man of her dreams. Until one week before their wedding when she learned - something was wrong. Something Was Wrong is an award winning docuseries podcast about the discovery, trauma and recovery of being engaged to a sociopath.

Thanks for being here! Tomorrow’s Monday Mixtape will likely be a bit on the brief side in terms of diving into specific songs. Still excited to share what I’ve been listening to these past few weeks!

See ya later :)

-Pam

1. Note: It should be said that 2018 was a fantastic year for Pam and music — honorable mentions include SZA’s album Ctrl and John Mayer’s album The Search for Everything. These two were also integral to me getting through 2018 and the many uncomfortable, awkward, and desperate years ahead.