I'm just a girl and you're not as alone as you feel

adios, 2024

My birthday was yesterday. I’m 28 now and, naturally, I’m feeling contemplative. A few months ago I had a conversation with someone who described how, at 19 years old, they were considering who they would become in their twenties. Now, there isn’t any way to say this in a way that doesn’t come off as self-aggrandizing, but they added that they saw a lot of parallels between who I am and who they want to be. They said that I seemed “sure of myself".”

The comment was surprising. I remember my mind going blank, unsure of what to say at the comment. “Thank you…I’m not?” A couple of things came to mind in the aftermath of the interaction. At the forefront was that how “sure” I am of myself was a complete lie. I felt undeserving of that sort of confirmation, as someone who is still very much figuring herself out. I felt certain that they would change their mind about me. It also had me thinking about how easy it is to perform a version of yourself that isn’t the whole truth. This isn’t new or novel, but it is an extension of the “fake it until you make it” mentality.

Ultimately, I think I responded with something to the effect of “I am just figuring it out as I go.” I wanted to end it with “My twenties were fun but also difficult to navigate emotionally/You’ll see for yourself,” but I felt that was a bit heavy-handed and unnecessary for the conversation.

It got me thinking about what I was like at that age. I spent a lot of my teens and twenties idolizing others. It didn’t matter who it was, once I found someone who I thought was cool, kind, and had their shit together, I’d put them on a pedestal. Secretly, in my journals, I’d write the personality traits and characteristics they had that I would one day like to emulate. I’d see them as a source of wisdom, someone I could trust to be a beacon of light that would help me navigate through life. Someone I could mirror.

Many of those people I idolized eventually fell short of the person I’d imagined they were in my head. They were just as human as I was, much to my dismay, and when I discovered their flaws or fuck ups I’d find myself being disappointed. Mostly in myself, though, for putting my faith into people who were also living life for their first and only time, who were navigating the trials of life the best they could, and expecting them to live up to what I’d made them out to be in my mind. Still a mirror, of course, but in a different way than what I was expecting.

It’s why comments like the one I received a few months ago leave me wary. I’m not so sure, most of the time, and I don’t always like what I see.

This year served as another gentle reminder that I will be faced with challenges no matter how green the grass on my side is. I’ll be honest, I’ve struggled a lot with my PMDD this year. I’ve had some low lows and a lot of crying. I took a step back from therapy, which was scary but necessary as I applied what I’ve learned these past few years into practice.

I think it goes without saying that I’m in the same boat as everyone else right now, noticing how quickly we moved on from championing body positivity to striving for flat, toned tummies and slimmer faces. I’m not going to get into the whole body dysmorphia conversation, but I know it’s real, it exists in my life, and I’m reminded of it whenever I look back on photos where I remember disliking my weight and think to myself “Wait….I look skinny there!” For as long as I’ve been alive, I wished I was skinny. And I just will not be…at least, my warped idea of “skinny” is just not in the cards for me (nor is it even possible with my body composition). But the strife exists! I’m working on it.

My friendships have changed. They are not kidding when they say life comes at you fast. I’ve celebrated new friendships and have mourned the loss and changes of others. And yet, I’ve been afforded some truly life-giving moments with friends this year. It’s left me feeling grateful for the friendships that are built on mutual reciprocity and intentionality. It's also left me feeling with a keen sense of gratitude for my hometown and my family.

It wasn’t all hard lessons, though. The year has had its wins. Here are a few that come to mind:

• A promotion at work

• A few long weekends with family members who visited from out of town

• Celebrating my childhood friends’ weddings

• Falling in love with new states (special shoutout to Traverse City, Michigan in the fall, and to Sleeping Bear Dunes)

• Celebrating three years of my relationship (shoutout to Joel, I love you¹)

• Almost tripling our collection of vinyl in a year (It’s probably more of a loss $$$-wise than a win but it’s been a joy to watch our collection grow and take form into something that both Joel and I have contributed to. Also, I’ve become more and more wary of streaming services and feel obligated to grow my physical media collection.)

• Seeing Alvvays, The Japanese House, Waxahatchee, Dinosaur Jr., The Flaming Lips, and Weezer live

• Dozens of photos taken on my point-and-shoot film camera (Will I get them developed in the new year? Who knows.)

• Brat summer (only, the kind of brat summer where I don’t take part in anything except listening to Charli XCX’s BRAT)

• A necessary closet purge

• Fixing the toilet roll holder in our bathroom (It’s been broken and hanging by a thread for the three and a half years I’ve lived here — it took me 10 minutes to fix. It feels good.)

• A newfound love for Stardew Valley (I put it off for years and here I am, loving it, with over 100 hours of playtime)

• 15 books read (compared to a staggering 0-2 books in recent years)

• Welcoming my nephew, Baker, into the world. A precious baby angel.

• Starting Pilates. I understand the hype now.

  The list goes on and I’m sure I’ll make room for more in 2025. Anyway, I’m losing steam writing this. Here are some photos from the past year. I’m going to play some Stardew Valley before a wild night (read: dinner and a drink or two) for New Year’s Eve. Thanks for being here and for reading, as always. Be nice to yourself. Stay safe. Give your loved ones a big ol smooch on the lips (or just a really nice hug or shoulder pat or “you bring meaning to my life” text). See you in 2025!

  

  

  

1. These shoutouts have me feeling like Timothée Chalamet in his Nardwuar interview